Itachi's Stolen Nailpolish
by BuckWylde
Summary: Itachi wakes up one day to find his precious nailpolish has been stolen, and his ensuing search for it brings on way more insanity than even he could have bargained for. Crack pairings, OOC, possibly offensive humor, random, non-canon timeline


**The most cracked-out thing I've ever thought up...**

**Disclaimer**: Naruto equals _not mine_.

* * *

"AHHHHHH!!! BURGLARY!!! BURGLARY!!!"

It was 3 am and Itachi was screaming his head off.

"BURGLARY!!!"

He runs over to Sasuke and pokes him in the forehead until he wakes up.

"Foolish little brother, have you seen my nail polish?"

"Wha…ITACHI! How many times must I tell you that sleepy time is Sasuke time!?"

"But…" Itachi starts weeping. "I'm not SEXY without my nail polish! What Kisame will think of me now… Help me find my nail polish and I'll give you back your Teddy Bear."

"HIS NAME IS MR. WUBBY!!!"

"Fine but help me get back my nail polish PLEASE!"

"Okay FINE THEN I GET MY TEDDY BACK RIGHT?"

"Yeah sure take him back now."

Itachi throws Sasuke a fuzzy pink teddy bear. Sasuke buries his face in it and starts crying.

"Mr. Wubby! Now me and Naruto can have tea parties again! I even bought you this adorable dress to wear!"

Itachi leaves the room and Sasuke, still hugging the bear follows.

---------------

**Outside 10 minutes later…**

"Where are we going?" asks Sasuke

"Foolish little brother, ask not where we are going, but what we are going TO."

"That made no sense."

"If you don't stop being mean I'm gonna cut of all your Malibu Barbie's hair."

"NOOOOO NOT MY BARBIE!" Sasuke starts crying again.

"BOOOOO!!!"

Kabuto jumps out from behind a tree dressed in a white sheet

"AHHHHHH A GHOST!!!" Screams Sasuke

Gaara jumps out from behind the tree as well dressed as a pirate

"GAARR MATEYS! What brings ye out to sea?"

_Has EVERYONE gone crazy here?!_ thinks Sasuke

Suddenly, everyone hears an insane cackling

"Oh no…" whispers Kabuto, _"It's him!"_

"ABANDON SHIP!" Screams Gaara.

Neji, his skin painted green, wearing a witch's hat and cloak jumped out from the roof

"Try as you might, but you will never find the nail polish! You must get through me, the Wicked Witch of the West first!"

Gai suddenly appeared looking annoyed

"Neji, it's been three years for Christ's sake! TAKE THAT COSTUME OFF!"

"The Wicked Witch will not yield to you, Spandex Freak!" Yelled Neji as he smacked Gai over the head with a broom.

At that moment Tenten poured a bucket of water over Neji's head and he started screaming

"I'M MELTING I'M MELTING!!!" Screamed Neji and fainted dramatically.

"You'd think after 3 years he'd notice he couldn't do magic or fly." said Tenten, shaking her head

Sasuke suddenly remembered the numerous times that the Hyuuga prodigy would jump off the Academy roof, screaming something about Dorothy or Toto.

"So matey," asked Gaara, completely unfazed by the genin's behavior, "What bring ye to these waters?"

"My nail polish has gone missing!" pouted Itachi, looking at his unpainted nails sadly. "And I just don't look SEXY anymore without it."

"Ahh, Kisame!" said Kabuto, knowingly raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, I'm afraid that without my nail polish, my gay girlie looks don't compete with Kisame's sexy fishiness." said Itachi sadly.

"Well, I know these waters like the back of me hand. We'll assist you in this search for treasure!" declared Gaara, causing the people around him to edge away slightly.

Pulling out a sword from seemingly nowhere, Gaara ran ahead until he smacked into an unlit streetlamp.

"Can we hurry this up? I have a brunch date with Kisame at noon, and Sasuke and Mr. Wubby are having tea with Naruto around the same time." said Itachi, handing Gaara a flashlight so he could see where he was going.

"Ok, let's head out! First stop, Shikamaru's house!" Yelled Kabuto.

---

Soon, everyone was outside Shikamaru's house. They climbed in through an open window and into a sleeping Shika's bedroom.

"Let's check his drawers!" Whispered Itachi

"Aye" responded Gaara.

They opened his top drawer and began rifling through it.

"Are these what I think they are? OOOHH Shikamaru you bad boy!"

"What?" asked Sasuke, "What does he have?"

"THESE!" yelled Itachi, triumphantly holding the silk Victoria's Secret panties above his head.

"HEY!"

"Shikie are you awake? Do you mind if I borrow your undies?" asked Kabuto

"My wha-HEY WHAT'S WITH THE PANTY RAID?!? GEEZE, HOW TROUBLESOME…"

"It's not heeeerrrrreeee" sobbed Itachi, "My nail polish is not heeeerreeee!"

Sasuke was beginning to get worried-If they didn't find that nail polish his Malibu Barbie was at stake.

"Let's go check somewhere else Itachi" he suggested calmly.

"FORWARD!" yelled Gaara, jumping out the window.

Kabuto rolled his eyes, "First he runs into a street lamp, now this…"

"At this rate, we'll never find my polish," sulked Itachi, "And where are we GOING, Gaara?"

The pirate was marching ahead of everyone else, "That's CAPTAIN Gaara to you, Skipper!" he growled.

"Oh really?" asked Kabuto, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, Captain Gaara of the Black Pearl!"

"The WHAT?"

"The Black Pearl o course!"

"And that would be…"

"MY SHIP!"

"Oh…"

"Here she is!"

They were standing in front of a big black ship.

"It's the fastest ship in the Caribbean it is!" declared Gaara proudly.

"But were not IN the Caribbean ARE WE?!?" screamed Sasuke in an exasperated tone.

"Of course not, were ported in Tortuga laddie!"

"No WERE NOT!! WERE IN KONOHA! K-O-N-O-H-A!"

"Glad that you can spell!" said Gaara happily, "Now lets pull out!"

"Hold on Gaara!" said Deidara, jumping out from inside the ship, "THE BLACK PEARL IS MINE, YEAH!"

"This is mutiny!" screamed Gaara

"Yeah and you know what else? I banged your sister, yeah!" yelled Deidara.

"OH _SNAP_!" yelled Itachi.

"The fair lass would never go with you! " Gaara screamed, "She plunders um…different treasures…"

"…"

"Wait a second, you mean Temari is GAY? Aww man!" said Kabuto.

"She is gay, yeah, I know." said Deidara, "I'm a GIRL!"

"On with the Battle Royale!"

"Shut up, Itachi!"

Gaara and Deidara begin fighting with giant sticks of, _**POCKY**_? Pirates or the Caribbean music comes on, and Gaara throws jelly in Deidara's eyes.

"AHHH CRAP I CAN'T SEE!"

_You have two eye patches on, how could you see in the first place? _Thinks Sasuke.

Gaara pulls out another stick of pocky and dual-wields against Deidara. Eventually Deidara realizes he cant see and smacks into a pole, getting knocked out.

"You can never win against Captain Gaara!" Gaara starts doing a victory dance, "Especially since you-"

"WHAT. IS. THAT." Itachi says.

"What?" says everyone

Itachi points a shaking finger at a figure doing a pirouette in the middle of the street.

"Oh Jesus NO." Sasuke slaps his forehead with his hand, leaving a red mark.

The figure got closer.

Sasuke groaned as everyone sweatdropped. Neji was the one dancing in the street, wearing a pink tutu, a crown and ballerina slippers. He was humming the Nutcracker to himself as Lee ran exasperatedly to catch up with him.

"Oi, Neji, heard you had another identity crisis-uhhhhhh…"

"I am a beautiful ballerina!" Neji proclaimed proudly, "My mommy told me so."

"What is WITH everyone?!?! It's not Halloween people!"

"Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke…I was BORN to dance!"

"But I thought you were the Wicked Witch of the West!"

"I WAS. Well, until that horrible Dorothy blasted me with water. I woke up knowing I needed to dance, and dance I shall!"

He pirouetted off, leaving everyone confused, mouths agape.

"What is that guy's problem? I thought he was a GENIUS?"

Itachi sighed. "People, can we PLEASE get back to the real problem, my nail polish?"

"Let's go to Sakura's house next. Their having a sleepover and you can bet they're doing makeovers, which means there must be nail polish."

"Five hours." said Kabuto, looking at his watch.

---------------

Sakura was mad. This was not the way that her party was supposed to go. She had expected a long night of dancing, beautifying, and gossiping, but what did she get? Her idiot brother spiking the fruit punch and getting everyone drunk. Everyone except for her and Hinata was passed out by now, and Hinata was just rambling on and on about nonsense.

"Hey Sakura, did you seeeeeee the goats outside, they were pink! Pink and made out of marshmallows! And then Orochimaru jumped on one and rode up the moon with Asuma and the First Hokage! WHEEEEEE!" she declared drunkenly. Sakura suspected she was high as well.

"And Neji, he's a ballerina!" she declared.

"No really? I thought he was the Wicked Witch of the West?" replied Sakura in annoyance.

"No he melted now he's a BALLERINA!"

---------------

Gaara was peering into the window. "Looks like they can't hold their rum, all except two are out!"

"Do you see my nail polish?"

"Nay Skipper, it's probably resting with Davy Jones by now."

"WHO?"

"Avast! One's passed out! Prepare to board ship!"

"It means let's go in." interpreted Kabuto.

A few minutes later they returned empty-handed. Well, except for Gaara who had hoarded a large amount of the spiked punch and was getting quite drunk. Itachi was crying again, now that they only had 4 ½ hours left to find his nail polish.

"Let's try thinking smarter mateys." said Gaara, slurring every word, "There must be someone obvious we haven't checked that would surely have it."

"Well, it appears our Captain thinks better under the influence." teased Itachi.

"Please can we hurry, I don't want my Barbie-I mean, Itachi's feelings, to be hurt."

"You guys, I know who has it!" said Neji, who was now dressed in black sunglasses, a black suit, black loafers and a black cloak.

"And what are you supposed to be?"

"What I was trained to be, a CIA Agent!"

"You know what, I don't even wanna know next time."

"I know who it is though!"

Itachi rolled his eyes, "And just who has my nail polish then?"

"I'm sorry sir, but that's classified information, so if I told you, I'd have to kill you."

"NEJI!"

"Excuse me, do not harass a CIA Agent, especially since your tattooed friend over there is intoxicated and I could book him."

Gaara: "Hey, you know what we should do later? Eat PIE filled with jelly and rum! Whoever wins gets a free pair of boot buckles! Then we can go visit Spongebob! WHEEEE!"

"NEJI! IF YOU DON'T TELL ME RIGHT NOW I WILL BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!"

"_Mr. Uchiha_, I am under the protection of the government. Being in the CIA has its props."

Everyone: "_**YOU. ARE. NOT. IN. THE. C. I. A.!!!**_ Gaara: "AYE TO THAT MATEY!"

"I am too! Don't lie to me! MY Mommy says I'm special!"

"Yeah! Special ED! You were never a witch or a ballerina or a CIA agent! You are HYUUGA NEJI! You are a NINJA! You are on a squad with GAI, LEE AND TENTEN! REPEAT, YOU ARE A NINJA! You're about as magical as Sasuke is manly!" Itachi glances casually over to Sasuke, who's currently playing with Mr. Wubby.

"You mean, it was all a LIE? But everyone always smiled at me and told me that I was special. I was so special that I got a special jacket that kept me from moving so I could learn better than everyone else and it was a LIE?"

Everyone nods.

Neji runs off sobbing and no one catches him, forgetting that he knows who has the nail polish.

Gaara staggers over to Itachi. "Shouldn't we be looking for the magic paint?"

"3 hours.", sighs Kabuto looking at his watch.

Sasuke glances nervously at the Barbie in his brother's hands. "Can we PLEASE get a move on?"

Just then, Orochimaru walks by, swinging a red purse.

"Hey guys! Don't you just LOVE my purse! It's Prada! When I saw it I was like OMG I would look so kick-ass with an adorable accessory! And my purple French Tips are to _die_ for don't you think?"

"Purple? French Tips?"

Itachi's eyes open wide.

"Orochimaru, how COULD YOU? You and your accursed nails have stolen my sexiness, and I might have to break up with my boyfriend now because you STEAL my Purple Princess #3 nail polish!"

"Ah, Kisame." Said Oro raising an eyebrow and chuckling.

"Its not FUNNY!" screamed Itachi, pulling out his own purse and whacking him over the head. "And I bet that your purse isn't REAL Prada, not like my genuine Louis Vuitton!"

"At least I don't have a magazine fold out of Orlando Bloom hanging in the back of my closet!"

"At least I'm not plotting to steal the Foolish Little Brother so I can molest him! I bet you're really Michael Jackson in disguise, you're so sick!"

"WHAT!" squawked Sasuke, "YOU ARE _SICK_!"

"At least I don't wear eye shadow and blush!"

"At least I don't sample all the perfume at Sephora!"

Completely losing his temper, Kabuto grabs both purses, pulls out the nail polish, hands it to Itachi, throws Sasuke's Barbie back to him, then slaps Gaara until he's back to normal. (Well, you know, as normal as you can get for a guy who thinks he's a pirate)

"OKAY. EVERYONE HAPPY?!"

Scared, everyone nods, lest they face the wrath of Kabuto.

"My nail polish…" sighs Itachi, cradling it in his arms, "Here hold it for a minute, Gaara. I need to check my mascara."

Deciding to play a trick on Gaara, Sasuke yells, "Look Gaara, RUM!"

Gaara whirls around excitedly and drops the nail polish, which promptly shatters.

Itachi was staring disbelieveably at the place where his nailpolish shattered. He looked at Sasuke, then Gaara, then Sasuke again. Sasuke was clutching his Barbie, afraid that Itachi would take it away again. Suddenly, Itachi seemed to snap.

"YOU," he screamed, pointing an unpainted nail at his brother, "FOOLISH LITTLE BROTHER, OF ALL THE FOOLISH THINGS YOU'VE FOOLISHLY EVER DONE BECUASE OF YOUR FOOLISHNESS, THIS IS THE WORST! YOU'RE SO STUPID IT'S ANNOYING! WHY DO YOU THINK I KILLED ALL THE UCHIHAS, HUH? IT WAS SO I'D HAVE AN EXCUSE TO BECOME A MISSING NIN AND GET AWAY FROM YOUR GODDMNED 'Oh no, Daddy likes you better than me becuase I'm a whiny Drama Queen' ACT! YOU WHORE! GET ME MY POLISH BACK NOW!"

Itachi looked at the ground and spotted Mr. Wubby, who had been forgotten upon the return of the Barbie and snatched him up.

"NOOO NOOO NOT WUBBY! SPARE HIM!" wailed Sasuke, "I HAVE A TEA PARTY TONIGHT!"

"Okay, what's all the yelling about? I can't freaking sleep with you troublesome idiots yelling outside my window," asked Shikamaru, who was looking out at the scene below him, "Oh no, not this crap again. I'm sure you don't NEED nail polish Itachi. Is it honestly that important?"

"Garr, of course it be important," shouted Gaara, "Just as I fly me pirate flag, Sasuke wears a shirt that says 'Emo Boy' on the front of it (Loud protests from Sasuke) and Deidara has that horrible speech condition that makes him say 'Yeah' after every damn sentence, it's a part of who we are."

"It _is_ important," screams Itachi, "That bottle of polish holds my sexiness, and now that it's shattered, it's just _**SHATTERED SEXYNESS! **_And I will never, NEVER forgive Sasgay for what he's done!"

With that, Itachi took Mr. Wubby and held him at eye level, and screamed, "**KATON: GOKAKYU NO JUTSU!!**" which effectively torched the poor stuffed animal.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Screamed Sasuke, "NOOOOOOOOTTTTT WUBBBBBBBYYYY! HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, SCREW NARUTO!!!"

"Well well foolish Little Brother, I think we understand each other now," said Itachi, "You lost your best friend, and I lost mine."

"YOUR best friend?" asked Kabuto, "Who was your best friend?"

"My sexiness of course! Most people think it's gotta be in my dark, sultry eyes or my long flowing hair, but for me it's all in the nails! And now Sasuke, I shall bring upon you a fate worse than death," Itachi activated his Mangekyo Sharingan, "Now you will watch Wubby die for 72 hours."

Sasuke screams bloody murder and Shika, extremely pissed now, walks outside, oblivious to everyone's giggles.

"That is IT you psychotic freaks! I'm calling the Hoka-what are you all laughing at?"

Shika had run out in the previously mentioned Vicky's Secret panties.

"Gar, ye be droppin' yer dressers again, mate," roared Gaara as Kabuto giggled, "Even I'M not that gay!"

"How can you be LAUGHING at a time like this?!? My sexiness is GONE GONE GONE! Besides, Kisame has a pair of undies that look-"

"I REALLY don't wanna hear it"

"Well since we only have 2 hours before my date I guess I'll just go to the MAC counter and get some more nail polish," says Itachi, "See ya." He walks out whistling.

"NO. FREAKING. WAY" shouts Sasuke, "He could have just BOUGHT some the whole time instead of dragging us along with him ALL NIGHT? I'm going to KILL HIM!"

* * *

**The end, completely. Unless there's a sequel...**


End file.
